Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Shit My Boss Says

I work at my college's museum. It's a pretty cool job. I get to meet a lot of cool artists, see a lot of awesome work, and learn a lot about the "inside" job of being a museum curator. I also work with my boss.. which is the best part of my job. He is the funniest man on the planet. He's quirky, dresses nice (except for that one time he wore blue jeans with a blue jean jacket and a blue jean train conductor hat) but overall? Working for him is the high-lite of my week. My friends and I have kept a running score of things that he says while we're at work. Here is my first installment of Shit My Boss Says -- completely out of context.

"Let me know if you know of any good moonshine around here! Now, if I have it with me on the front, can I get in trouble for that?"

 "Look at all of this weight I'm gaining! (grabbing his stomach) Make it two slices of pizza, Sam!"

 "I'm getting ready for's gay men's month...even though I'm married...I want to stick up for my brothers...who like other brothers."

"Some people don't shave for prostate cancer in November, but I don't shave for an agenda...I just want to look like I feel on the inside."

"December doesn't pass without watching a Charlie Brown Christmas... DAMN RIGHT IT DOESN'T."

"I needed a new leather jacket, and I didn't want to pay full price, so I just went on Ebay and dusted off the ole Paypal account!"

 "I went to have a drink at the bar. Just a beer. Nothing much. And this guy came up to me and he was wasted. And he came up and smacked my ass..and I turned around and was like "I'm a married man and he was like me too! And so I was like well then what the fuck, man?!"

 "Guys really have the easy end of that stick. What we have.. we have a penis. I don't know how you go about switching those parts.. but .. because even if that person still had a sex change they would still have those parts. I don't know. I can't answer that."

 "Boy, I tell you what. He sure wears some tight pants doesn't he. I don't see how he sits down. You couldn't squeeze a nickle between..."

 "We were gathered around the flag pole with the haystack singers.. It's a christmas carol group. And I couldn't stop laughing because this guy had on the worst christmas sweater."

"You know what I can't stand? Bird sweatshirts."

 "When I was 21 my dad took me to a strip club...and they all knew him well."

 "Ke Francis sends his regards and I think he actually enjoyed coming to talk...he could tell you all were really little fuckers. You listen sometimes."

"At least you didn't shit your pants. that would have been awful."

"Hey, I made it in the timeline. I'm glad I made it on the same line as Whitney Houston dying of an overdose and a student getting arrested for playing with other boys."

"Convent College... I bet that's a party school."

"Hey, where's the swag at?"

"Did you lock the front door? Well for fucks sake! What am I paying you for?!" 

"Mother fucker! Shit! Sorry! I'm not supposed to cuss in front of you.. sorry. but.. MOTHER FUCKER! SHIT! I'M SORRY!"

No other boss will meet his standards.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

September is the pits.

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just goes wrong? I mean everything? Well, if you multiply one day by five.. you'll get my September 17-21st. Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life. People say that all the time, but I can't even wrap my head around the shit that was last week.

I knew last week was going to be bad because all my classes had work due for them. I'm taking 18 hours. Two English classes, Statistics, German, Religion, and an Art class and I work 9 hours a week at our art studio building and the museum . It's loads of fun. I spent the weekend before last doing homework. Nothing but homework. I wrote two papers on Saturday and Sunday. That was exhausting, but it was only the beginning.

Monday: Went home that weekend. Came back to school, woke up to go to class. Realized I left my make up at home. Lack of sleep apparently makes me look like hot shit on a stick. 6 people stopped me before 10 am to tell me I looked awful/ask me if I was okay. Did I mention that it was raining? 100% chance of rain. For two days. I head to statistics. Forgot my umbrella. Monsoon. Get to statistics, dripping wet. We have a test. I knew everything right up until she handed us our test. I wrote my name at the top and forgot everything. Big. Giant. Fail. Go to work, start writing another paper. The day is looking up. Parent's bring me my make up. Get in bed at 1:30 am.

Tuesday: Still raining. Poring. Monsoon. 5:00 am. Air conditioning starts smoking. For the love of fuck. I jumped out of bed, turned it off and spent the next 30 minutes fanning our very sensitive smoke detector with a pillow so we don't have to evacuate the entire dorm at 5:00 in the morning during Hurricane Billy. Can't sleep, but it doesn't matter. I have an 8:00 class anyway. Put on make up. Remember my umbrella. Doesn't matter. It broke as soon as the wind caught it and turned it inside out. Make up was a bad idea. German test. Print out article and essay for Religion. Walk outside, article catches the wind.. lands in a puddle. Don't have time to reprint it. Go to work. Finally have time to eat around 6. Got food poisoning. Still no air conditioning. Worked on papers for Wednesday beside the toilet.

Wednesday: Two papers and an article due. Still no air conditioning. Lingering effects of lumpy ranch dressing food poisoning. Spent 6 hours working on a paper for Thursday. Got statistics test back. 68. Highlight of the week.

Thursday: Another paper due. German. Ugh. Go to work. Had to go pick up a sign for my boss. Spent 15 minutes lost as fuck. Found the place, realize its a house/business. They aren't clear which side is which. Open a door. Not the business. There is a family staring at me. I stare back. They stare back at me. I let their fucking dog out. Chase dog across gravel parking lot. Fall on my face, but catch the dog. Return dog to owner. They direct me to the business. Sign isn't ready. Spend 20 minutes in a small room with a sweaty, nasty man that is staring down the front of my shirt. Get back to my dorm, work on paper for Friday. Still. No. Air. Conditioning.

Friday: Two classes are cancelled. Go to statistics. Get the fuck home. STILL. NO. AIR. CONDITIONING. 

So, to sum that up.. my air conditioning blew up, I got food poisoning, I forgot my make up, I got fucking rained on, I wrote 6 papers, had two articles, two tests, got lost, let someone's dog out, fell on my face, and got stared at by a greasy old man. Did I mention that I didn't have fucking air conditioning? When things go bad, they go bad. I'm ready for September to be OVER. Good lord.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Just tell me I'm conceited and wrong. Please.

The past two weeks have been filled with nothing but class work, homework, and plain old work. My schedule is ridiculous and my focus has been on getting all my work done, so it's no surprise that life has snuck up on me to remind me that I'm just a pawn in its twisted little games.

I had to work at our new studio building on Monday. My least favorite professor had me cleaning out the greenhouse turned art building so we could move the old stuff into the new building. The temperature in that glass oven ranged somewhere between 95 and fuck you.
I was moving Halloween paraphernalia from the greenhouse to the room beside it which was about a 6 foot distance. My mood was grand. I was grumbling along- box in hand, avoiding spiders and drawing boards when my foot caught on something that was not in my line of vision. I went flying across the room, but managed to cushion my fall by landing on a box filled with a tiny metal popcorn machine and orange fuzzy pumpkins. There was also another item hidden in the box.. A very real, very large knife with a fucking 12 inch blade. That bitch sailed out of nowhere and lodged itself in the side of my pony tail - narrowly avoiding my neck by about an inch and a half. I almost shit my pants. I immediately went to show Satan's mistress what was lurking in her boxes and her response was "glad you didn't die. That would have been a horrible lawsuit." Bitch.

The next day was just as odd. I'm a sophomore in college. I realize not everyone has the same maturity level and such, but really.. We're considered adults. There is a boy that wears a Perry the Platypus hat with a hat like the platypus wears in the cartoon sewn on top. I try not to make fun of him because I'm already concerned God is going to give me ugly babies as punishment for all the other people I've made fun of and the last thing I need is a college student that wants to wear a fucking kids hat. So, I'm walking to class and I see him at the top of the hill I'm about to walk up. I sucked in my breath and was about to bite my tongue when I squinted and saw it. Mother fucker had a rolling backpack. I haven't seen one of those bitches since elementary school. I am in complete awe because not only is he wearing two hats, but he's dragging that backpack around like a pet. He comes bebopping down the hill and right as I meet him, his wheels catch in the break in the side walk and he loses control of his backpack. I look over in horror as that shit comes careening onto my side of the walkway, effectively cutting my shins out from under me. Immediately after contact my anger rose and I forgot all about my future children. I caused a small scene when I yelled at him and told him to "PUT A DAMN LEASH ON THAT THING!" 'Im pretty sure God will forgive me, though because really.. Who has rolling backpacks?

If that was the end of my strange week I would have been fine, but sadly.. It wasn't. In one of my classes, I sit beside this girl who I thought was just really nice. We talked some and then she started playing with my keys and doodling stuff on my paper.. That was a little weird, but I didn't think much of it. And then she runs her fingers through my hair. Let me be clear here. We're not even on a first name basis. I can only refer to her as this girl in my class because I don't fucking know her name. And she is running her fingers through my hair, poking me in the sides and telling me she loves my handwriting. I don't know for sure, I mean.. She may just be lacking acceptable social skills.. But something about her mustache tells me that there could be a little flirting being directed towards me. Don't get me wrong, I love gay people. They are wonderful and I wish I had a pocket sized gay friend to take shopping with me all the time, but I'm all about penises and I don't know how to handle this situation. At all.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long, long semester.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Ron White ain't got shit on me.

The past two weeks have been a new kind of hell for me. I cannot begin to explain how much I loathe the car dealership near my house. It is unbelievable. But the story can't start here. It has to start at the beginning of my driving career  for you all to understand that I have the shittiest luck known to man.

My first car was an '05 Ford Mustang. I loved it more than anything. Two weeks after I got my license I was in a car accident with a cop. A fucking cop.

Two months later: I was in an accident with a Toyota.

Three months later: A school bus pulled out in front of me. I ran up under the back end going 50 miles an hour, totaling my car. 

Then I got a '97 4-Runner. I backed into a pipe, blowing off my rear tire.

Two weeks later I was in the drive thru at Wendy's and my car started squealing and smoking. A belt had fallen off in my engine, ending my air conditioning forever. This occurred on what had to be the busiest day that Wendy's has ever had. There was probably 50 faces plastered to the window watching my car blow out smoke.

I began college. My mom let me drive her Taurus because it had better gas mileage. I still wanted my 4-Runner and was planning on driving it once I returned home. I pulled into my driveway on my first day of summer and there was a new 4-Runner sitting there. My mom had traded in my car WITHOUT telling me and gotten her a new one. I was furious and I wanted a jeep. My dad said to give him a little while and we would get one. And here is where our story starts.

The 4-Runner that my mom purchased from the dealership near my home lasted about two weeks before it had to go back in the shop. They said they fixed it. She drove it and the day after she got it back and broke down on the side of the road. She sent it back to the dealership, got it back, and broke down on the side of the road again. They gave us a rental. The rental wouldn't start. We got the 4-Runner back. Broke down AGAIN the day before we were supposed to go on vacation. They gave us another rental. It broke down on the way home from Florida. You know that story. My mom got her car back again, and it broke down in the middle of the road. She narrowly avoided getting smashed by two cars. She decided she wasn't keeping it. We traded in her car and my car at the same time.

I got a really awesome '05 Jeep Wrangler. It had a 4" lift, subwoofers, 28,000 miles. It was incredible. I loved it so much. I had that fucking thing 17 hours. Let me repeat that. I had that Jeep 17 hours before I was riding down the road and had to pull over because the entire steering column was shaking like a fucking earthquake. It had what is called the "Death Wobble." We sent it back to the dealership. This was on a Saturday. Guess who fucking knew about it having the death wobble before they sold it to us? THEY DID. The guy that sold it to us played dumb and said he didn't know about it. Okay, whatever. They ordered the part. My jeep sat out there until Friday before they even looked at it. They said they ran into another problem and needed to get another part, but they would have that by Monday. Monday rolled around. They didn't buy the part because it was expensive. My dad went out and raised hell. They got around to working on it again and put smaller tires on it to see if that was part of the problem. Some low-life, son of a bitch, fucking MINDLESS MORON FORGOT TO TIGHTEN THE FUCKING LUGNUTS ON MY LEFT REAR WHEEL. They were test driving it and MY LEFT REAR WHEEL FELL OFF. IT FUCKING FELL THE FUCK OFF. THEY TURNED MY JEEP INTO A TRIPOD. I thought Ron White was kidding when he was telling that joke on stage, but apparently PEOPLE ACTUALLY FORGET TO TIGHTEN LUGNUTS. They drove 30 feet with my shocks driving the ground. My dad just so happened to be driving through town and see it sitting on the side of the road WITH THREE TIRES. He immediately warped his ass into the parking lot and told them he wasn't keeping it anymore. They gave him a 4 door jeep and said for us to look at it. It was a stock '07 with 40,000 miles on it. Nothing special. They wanted 26,000 for it. My cousin bought her '07 with bigger tires and chrome wheels BRAND NEW for a thousand more. So I have officially been carless for 13 days. I move into college on Tuesday. I don't know what I'm going to do, but if you guys hear a story about a car dealership and an arsonist don't say anything about me. I don't even know what to say. I hate them. I hate them so much. This has been the most unbelievable, ridiculous, shitty two weeks imaginable.

I'll let you guys know when I get a jeep. I expect it to be around December. Fuck car dealerships.

Saturday, August 4, 2012


Sports have been the foundation of my life, so it is no surprise that my family takes the Olympics very seriously. I don't care what sport it is, I'll be watching with great interest and excitement, because America, you guys. But my excitement doesn't hold a candle to my Dad. You know all those crazed fans you hear about? That's my dad. Let me see if I can put this into perspective for you all.

Once, my dad went to a Clemson game with some of his friends. Things got exciting and my dad came down with the hammer (the hammer is sort of similar to watching a person crank a weed eater) while screaming "YEAH BOY!" and he clocked the lady sitting in front of him in the back of the head. It knocked her out. Let me repeat that. My dad punched a lady in the back of the head and it KNOCKED HER OUT. She spent the rest of the game curled up in her seat, crying. My dad doesn't even like Clemson. He LOVES America. This is serious.

Last night my uncle was in a car accident. We were waiting in the emergency room and Katie Ledecky, the 15 year old swimmer began her race. The first 700 meters were spent making comments on her age and whether we thought she could keep the world record pace. The last 100 meters were spent with me hiding my face in horror as my dad stood up and chanted "GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!" Nurses were scowling. Patients were staring. Babies started crying. And these are at public places. So you can only imagine what it's like in the privacy of our house when people like Michael Phelps get to going.

I love the Olympics. My dad clearly loves the Olympics. I'm just glad they only come around every four years because I have to recuperate from his excitement. His favorite event is track and field which has just started. Wish me luck. It's going to get dangerous.

Monday, July 23, 2012

It was a rhino. A big, grey, aerodynamic rhino.

Not long after I wrote my previous post about the family vacation, we stopped at Cracker Barrel: my least favorite place on earth. I don't know what it is about Cracker Barrel, but I fucking loathe that place. It puts me in a bad mood, my sister in a bad mood, and then shit goes down hill. We left the Cracker Barrel and I was able to fall asleep for about 45 minutes. I woke up in the 7th Level of Hell.

We had stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and immediately after cutting off the engine it was like the sun shit on everything. The temperature went from a comfortable 72 degrees to a God-awful 103 and the humidity level rose to soup. I stand somewhere between 5'7-5'8. My cousin who shared the back seat with me stands somewhere around 6'0. He was stretched out across the back seat, on top of me.. for about 6 hours of that ride. That is what I woke up to. I was not happy. 

When we had left my house 7 hours prior to that stop our agreement had been that we switch drivers so no one had to be cooped up in the back seat of that fucking clown car for the entire trip. My sister immediately deemed herself and her boyfriend Queen Asshole and King Assbag of the front seat and we were banished to the back. The boyfriend went in to go to the bathroom and my cousin got up front to fiddle with the radio. Upon my sister's boyfriends return my cousin was told to "get back in the back" and then the boyfriend scooted the passenger seat as far back as it would go because "it hurt for his knees to touch the dash" taking all my leg room away in the process. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, the heat, or the cramped seating arrangement, but I snapped. I usually think out what I'm going to say to my sister when we argue and fight. I'm a planner. I either want it to be something we can laugh about later or if she's pissed me off enough I want it to hurt, but when I screamed "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU HORRIBLE FUCKING BITCH" I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I stormed out of the car, jumped in with my parents and spent the next two hours cramped up in that car. The vacation was beginning wonderfully.

We arrived at our condo. Our room wasn't ready. One pool was closed because someone shit in it. I got burnt so bad I had sun poisoning. Awesome.

The next day everything changed. It was awesome, fun, cool, the beginning of the best vacation ever. The 2nd and third day continued that trend minus the five hour fishing trip.. or boat ride. No fish were caught. The sun had exhausted me and the next day I slept in. It was around 12:00 the next afternoon when I had apparently missed about 15 phone calls. My best friend took it upon herself to wake me up. She came in, yanked off all my cover and tried to take my mattress off my bed. My sister saw what she was doing and ran in to help. She took off my shorts. I was rolled off into the floor.. half naked. My sisters boyfriend came in and all I could do was hold my hand over my vagina like a fig leaf. He brought in a fork. My sister used that to poke me in the ass. I was violated. Pictures were taken without consent. It was a bad afternoon.

That night I was bitten by sand fleas. 116 of them to be exact. I can't even describe how bad I was itching. I didn't sleep well for the rest of the week. But it turned out to be the best vacation I ever went on. It was one giant party. I left with 37 family members. And then the ride home occurred.

We had taken a rental car because my mom's 4-Runner was messed up. The air conditioning clicked the entire way back. It sounded like a blinker. I don't know if you've ever listened to a blinker for 8 hours, but they should use it as a torture device. Our GPS is a lying little bitch. I hate that thing more than I hate anything else in the world. She is a dumb fuckstick and she doesn't know what she's talking about so when our car broke down in the middle of fucking no where, Georgia I was ready to throw that damn curse out into the highway. This was 8 hours into the trip. By the time we reached Atlanta my back had molded to the seat and I'm pretty sure I had a severe case of Scoliosis. I was hungry, bored, and in a terrible mood. I had made it to the front seat, finally. My sister and her boyfriend had driven home and I was with my parents. My mom was at the wheel, I was in the passenger seat, and my dad was passed out on my pillow pet. We were barreling down the interstate heading towards our house when I saw something in the road. It looked sort of like a plastic bag.. only it turned out to be a lot more durable and a lot more aerodynamic. We hit that bitch and whatever it was made giant BOOM and I watched it fly out from under our car and rip the bumper off the car behind us. It fucking RIPPED. THE. BUMPER. OFF. My mom was flipping her shit. I was like "Uh.. mom.. their bumper is flapping in the wind.." and she floored it the fuck out of there. Fortunately, we made it home in one piece and I can absolutely say that the Griswold's don't have shit on us.

Monday, July 16, 2012

"I want someone to take an ape out of the zoo, throw it into the water and be like BITCH, TURN INTO A MERMAID."

I was going to write a post about the rest of my vacation, but that will have to wait because I watched TV last night. Since Direct TV fucking took away Spongebob, I found myself watching Mermaid: The Body Found on the Discovery Channel at 9:00 last night. My best friend was over watching it with me. We expected it to be really cool because, you know, it was on the Discovery Channel. They usually air cool shit. WRONG.

The beginning was promising. There was a whale beaching and a cool phone video that some kids had taken and then a recording of a "leaking" of a clip inside the Navy. The music was suspenseful and hands popped out of nowhere. We were excited. But rather than continue to be awesome, it went back 10 million years into an animated version of what they think happened. This is pretty much how that went:

In a nutshell, the scientists described how we, as humans, have evolved from land dwelling apes to sea dwelling.. apes. Okaaaay. But it gets better. I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like this: A group of land apes branched off from another group of land apes and decided to go hang out by the ocean. They chilled out there for a couple thousand years and most of them drowned because they didn't have the right equipment, but over time they were eventually good enough in bed to pop out babies that had less and less hair. And after that their children had tails and flippers and could hold their breath under water and then they had tails and that's how mermaids were created. Because that makes a whole lot of fucking sense.
Hey, John! You got your flippers yet? NOT YET ASSBAG.

We spent the entire night disproving their credibility based on the absolute ridiculousness of the situation.

At one point in the documentary, the scientists were down in South America.. South Africa? Something like that and they took x-rays of a body that they had found. They brought in a specialist to look at the legs who stated that he noticed that the pelvis looked similar to that of a human. He then realized that he had the film TURNED THE WRONG WAY and flipped it upside down to discover that these creatures used to walk on land. Uh, what? Between these people there is probably 50 years of schooling and NO ONE realized that they had the x-ray turned upside-fucking-down? Sir, you have a doctorate. You study marine life for a living and you did not know that you had the films upside down? YOU HAVE WASTED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON YOUR EDUCATION, YOU DUMB FUCK. This really upset my friend, who just got out of school to be a dental assistant. She was like "YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS UPSIDE DOWN? I TAKE X-RAYS. I AM A CERTIFIED X-RAY TECHNICIAN. I CAN TELL YOU WHICH TOOTH IS IN YOUR MOUTH AND I TOOK A FUCKING 10 WEEK CLASS."

I don't see how all of this is true or how it could be true. I just spent a week in Florida. Why don't I have scales? Or a tan? I sure as fuck didn't adapt while I was down there. I ended up looking like a lobster, but that doesn't count.

In all honesty, I truly believe there could be stuff out there. I have family members that are very familiar with the outdoors who have seen things they can't explain, but those creatures are on this planet because God was like MERMAIDS? OKAY. SASQUATCH? BOOM. And if we did evolve it was because God was like EVOLUUUUUTIONNNNNN!!! And not because our ancestors used to live in trees and then swam through them.
That is one ugly motherfucker. 

My God. People are stupid.