Sunday, August 28, 2011

Pretty bird.

I came home this weekend to spend time with my family. There's never a dull moment with them around. True to my expectations, my mom just yelled at me to come outside. My dad wanted to show my sister and me something. I walked out the front door and he was holding a bird. We don't own a bird.

There have been several occasions where one has flown into our glass door and stunned itself. I've gone outside, picked it up, and 'nursed' it back to health. It usually only takes a few minutes and then they repay me by shitting on my hand and flying away.

This wasn't one of those cases. It was completely healthy! And so pretty! We didn't know what it was so my mom went to look it up. While she was gone we had to find somewhere to put it. Because we don't own a bird we don't have any cages that are bird appropriate. Until I saw the fire pit. If you ignore the fact that it's built for holding fires it's pretty much the perfect bird cage! We cleaned it out really good and put the bird down in it. He seems happy.

Makeshift bird cage.


My mom used to work with a woman whose husband is a park ranger. He knows his animals. I sent a picture to her and she told me it was a parakeet. A blue parakeet to be exact. Those are not native to my county. They are not even native to my state. That lead me to the conclusion that my dad caught someones pet bird.  Dad is so excited about it. He was all "We're keeping this until someone calls about it! I caught it and it's from the wild! I had to remind him that it wasn't exactly from the wild and there was no telling where it was from because birds have wings and they can travel long distances, but that didn't dampen his spirits. The bird is now living on my front porch. In the fire pit.

I'm naming him Petey.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Have your balls dropped yet?

As an art major I am subjected to strange things every day. I'm not accustom to having someone walk in the room and the instructor be all "Oh, we're just looking at naked pictures." That's strange. But I can deal with it. If naked pictures were the only thing that I've seen in this past week I would be a happy camper.


On my first day of 2D Design our professor sat us down, gave us our syllabus and told us to come into the projector room because she wanted to show us a video. First we watched this:



That was probably one of the strangest things I had seen next to a Lady Gaga video or the text my friend sent me of that girl fucking a horse. I mean, who ties people up and makes them stare at shadow puppets? That's a different level of crazy. And why does the narrator keep saying what he thinks the characters should think? Is he that fucking insightful? Well come on down Dr. Fucking Phil! Tell me how what you think I would feel after being chained in a cave all my life and having to watch shadow puppets all day!

It took me a couple of days to finally forget about how bizarre that video was. And then we were showed another one. I'm almost positive that this will follow me to my grave.


                                                     Mathew Barney: The Cremaster

Our professor was all excited and she goes "Guess what it means!!" Some guessed a baby in the womb and others guessed something about sex. It was in the ball park.. I guess.  

"The project is filled with anatomical allusions to the position of the reproductive organs during the embryonic process of sexual differentiation: Cremaster 1 represents the most "ascended" or undifferentiated state, Cremaster 5 the most "descended" or differentiated. The cycle repeatedly returns to those moments during early sexual development in which the outcome of the process is still unknown.." 

 Yeah. I totally would have guessed that one. So.. basically this is about someone's balls dropping. Or not dropping. That is the question. And it's supposed to be about his dreams? I don't know. I don't think I will ever know. Apparently there are five three hour long videos out there floating around in cyber space. And in art galleries. Maybe if I watched those I could understand what it means. Most likely I will still believe that this is some pervert taking way too many drugs and having a lot of free time. I appreciate art. I do. That's why I'm an art major.. but there are just some things that will never make sense to me. And the Cremaster Cycle is on top of that list.

In other news: I was laying on my bed typing this post and my air conditioner shot out what looked to be rocks. It was loud and it scared the shit out of me. You know that sound your vacuum cleaner makes when you suck up a bunch of rocks? Multiply that by about 15 and you will get how loud it was. I sat there for a moment to let my heart rate return to normal and then it did it again. I got up to investigate and it was ice. My air conditioner is fucking frozen. It shoots out ice. That would be good if I needed a cold drink, but I need a cold room. I'm going to have to let it thaw out. Because that's what air conditioners are meant for.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

God punishes you for stealing.

My life is filled with a series of events so unfortunate and strange that I will get texts from my friends saying things like "Omg! I saw something that you would have seen today!" or "Your bad luck has rubbed off on me." I live in a little town that is filled with the most beautiful mountains. We have lakes, creeks, and waterfalls. You name it, we have it. When I feel overwhelmed I get in my car, roll down the windows and I ride. There is nothing more relaxing than that. One day one of my best friends.. let's call her Buddy. Buddy was feeling particularly overwhelmed and I told her that we would go riding and let her blow off some steam. We set out around lunch time. I knew of this awesome little waterfall off the road about a mile. It's not remote. There is a little camp site set up beside it. Granted it is a basically a stick with a tarp over it. I had been there plenty of times before and no one had ever been there.



Not fucking going there again.
Buddy and I drove up to the little area and got out. We walked the short distance to the falls and I let her enjoy it. We didn't stay long. We had other places to go. On our way out she noticed a wooden sign. It had a ghost on it and it said Happy Halloween. I didn't understand why the fuck it there was a sign that said Happy Halloween because it wasn't October. It was March. Buddy wanted to steal it real bad. I figured since it wasn't Halloween and the camp was completely deserted no one would miss it. I opened the door to my car and she was shoving it in when I heard the gravel popping. I looked up and this old beat up Explorer was pulling in. I pretty much went into super human speed mode. I practically threw that board in the back of my car, shoved Buddy into the passenger side and was backing out when I looked over and the car had blocked me in. 5 men got out of the car with 36 pack of beer. I'm not entirely sure that the word 'bath' was in their vocabulary. The oldest one was around 60.. at least I think he was. He was real dirty. He motioned for me to stop. Since he basically had me blocked in and he saw me steal his sign I couldn't do anything other than stop. He walked over to my window and told me to roll it down. I did about half way. Also, I kept my car in reverse just in case I needed to commit a hit a run. I'm not that stupid. We had a conversation. It went like this.

Old Man: Hi, my name is Lenny. I live 'n that tent over there.

Me: Hello.. my name is Me.

OM: Nice tuh meecha. What's yur friends name?

Me: Buddy.

And then he shook our hands.

OM: Did y'all go out ta the falls? They sure are pretty. If y'all want ta get out again I could take you back over there. I live here. In that tent. I know the falls real well.

Me: No thanks. We've got a lot of other places to go.

OM: Well that's a shame. If y'all ever want to come back you can. I live here. I'd sure like to have some visitors.

Me: We may do that, sir. The fuck we will. It was nice meeting you! 

OM: It was nice meeting you too. Like I said, I live here and y'all can come back! I went to the high school here. I know this place real well.

And then he shook our hands again.

I rolled up my window and floored it the fuck out of that place. I was fish tailing and slinging gravel everywhere. Buddy and I applied hand sanitizer. It was creepy, but he was nice. I kind of felt bad for stealing his sign. I told Buddy we would take it back one day when he wouldn't be there. As nice as he was I did not want to go 'See the falls' with him.

Buddy and I went on the rest of our adventure and I took her home. I was laying in bed that night and I got a text from her. She had told her mom about meeting Lenny. Her mom had gone to high school with him way back when. Apparently, sometime after graduating there was a warrant out for his arrest. He had chased some woman through her house and tried to rape her. I SHOOK HANDS WITH A FUCKING RAPIST. Beside his tent. A mile off the road. WITH NO SERVICE. Talk about an eye opening experience. It was then that I realized what God had done. He didn't let the man get us, but he sure as shit let us know that we shouldn't ever steal anything again. Even if it was a wooden sign that said Happy Halloween.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Transition.

I am a college student. I have been for exactly thirteen days. So far the transition has been basically what I thought it would be. Sizing up the professors, walking awkwardly into class and looking for a familiar face, and trying your damnedest not to make a fool out of yourself in front of all the cute boys. People watching is a must during your first few days. You see people and give them a nickname based on what you think they are like. Sometimes it sticks and sometimes it is so totally off base that you feel horrible  for even thinking about that name when you actually get to know them. I try really hard not to judge.. really. I do. So I'm going to say that I didn't judge.. I just pointed out the obvious.

First you need to know that on arrival the college provided us with a little 'care package.' It included a water bottle, a tape measure, a shirt, and a little draw string bag.

Anyway, on the second day of orientation the alumni held a cookout for the incoming freshman. My roommate and I sat on a bench overlooking the Quad. I swear to you. It was like a scene right out of a movie. You had the slutty girls trying to impress the boys with their awesome football throwing skills. You had the normal kids playing a massive game of volleyball. You had the jocks sitting around being.. well, jocks. And finally there was the lame music that the DJ thinks is appropriate for 18 year old kids. My roommate.. lets call her Candy. Candy and I were people watching. Particularly the volleyball players. There were so many of them crammed into that little square that if they turned too fast they would run face first into each other. There was this one kid that stood out. You know the kind. The one that really really wants to make friends but isn't athletic, and pretty much lacks all acceptable social skills? Yeah. That kid. Bless his heart. He had his pants pulled up to his boobs. His shirt was tucked in. And he had his water bottle clipped to his belt loop. Water Bottle, as we dubbed him, was running around after every ball and he was serving with a stiff right hook. It was sad. I was sad for him. I expressed my sadness to Candy. She told me that I should go give him pointers. I was sad, but I wasn't that sad. There are rules you have to follow when you are making the transition into college life. You can care about others. You should care about others and be nice to them. But if you don't make friends first, you will be the kid with the water bottle clipped to her belt loop.