Monday, July 16, 2012

"I want someone to take an ape out of the zoo, throw it into the water and be like BITCH, TURN INTO A MERMAID."

I was going to write a post about the rest of my vacation, but that will have to wait because I watched TV last night. Since Direct TV fucking took away Spongebob, I found myself watching Mermaid: The Body Found on the Discovery Channel at 9:00 last night. My best friend was over watching it with me. We expected it to be really cool because, you know, it was on the Discovery Channel. They usually air cool shit. WRONG.

The beginning was promising. There was a whale beaching and a cool phone video that some kids had taken and then a recording of a "leaking" of a clip inside the Navy. The music was suspenseful and hands popped out of nowhere. We were excited. But rather than continue to be awesome, it went back 10 million years into an animated version of what they think happened. This is pretty much how that went:

In a nutshell, the scientists described how we, as humans, have evolved from land dwelling apes to sea dwelling.. apes. Okaaaay. But it gets better. I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like this: A group of land apes branched off from another group of land apes and decided to go hang out by the ocean. They chilled out there for a couple thousand years and most of them drowned because they didn't have the right equipment, but over time they were eventually good enough in bed to pop out babies that had less and less hair. And after that their children had tails and flippers and could hold their breath under water and then they had tails and that's how mermaids were created. Because that makes a whole lot of fucking sense.
Hey, John! You got your flippers yet? NOT YET ASSBAG.



We spent the entire night disproving their credibility based on the absolute ridiculousness of the situation.

At one point in the documentary, the scientists were down in South America.. South Africa? Something like that and they took x-rays of a body that they had found. They brought in a specialist to look at the legs who stated that he noticed that the pelvis looked similar to that of a human. He then realized that he had the film TURNED THE WRONG WAY and flipped it upside down to discover that these creatures used to walk on land. Uh, what? Between these people there is probably 50 years of schooling and NO ONE realized that they had the x-ray turned upside-fucking-down? Sir, you have a doctorate. You study marine life for a living and you did not know that you had the films upside down? YOU HAVE WASTED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON YOUR EDUCATION, YOU DUMB FUCK. This really upset my friend, who just got out of school to be a dental assistant. She was like "YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS UPSIDE DOWN? I TAKE X-RAYS. I AM A CERTIFIED X-RAY TECHNICIAN. I CAN TELL YOU WHICH TOOTH IS IN YOUR MOUTH AND I TOOK A FUCKING 10 WEEK CLASS."

I don't see how all of this is true or how it could be true. I just spent a week in Florida. Why don't I have scales? Or a tan? I sure as fuck didn't adapt while I was down there. I ended up looking like a lobster, but that doesn't count.

In all honesty, I truly believe there could be stuff out there. I have family members that are very familiar with the outdoors who have seen things they can't explain, but those creatures are on this planet because God was like MERMAIDS? OKAY. SASQUATCH? BOOM. And if we did evolve it was because God was like EVOLUUUUUTIONNNNNN!!! And not because our ancestors used to live in trees and then swam through them.
That is one ugly motherfucker. 

My God. People are stupid.

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