It was a rhino. A big, grey, aerodynamic rhino.

Not long after I wrote my previous post about the family vacation, we stopped at Cracker Barrel: my least favorite place on earth. I don't know what it is about Cracker Barrel, but I fucking loathe that place. It puts me in a bad mood, my sister in a bad mood, and then shit goes down hill. We left the Cracker Barrel and I was able to fall asleep for about 45 minutes. I woke up in the 7th Level of Hell.

We had stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and immediately after cutting off the engine it was like the sun shit on everything. The temperature went from a comfortable 72 degrees to a God-awful 103 and the humidity level rose to soup. I stand somewhere between 5'7-5'8. My cousin who shared the back seat with me stands somewhere around 6'0. He was stretched out across the back seat, on top of me.. for about 6 hours of that ride. That is what I woke up to. I was not happy. 

When we had left my house 7 hours prior to that stop our agreement had been that we switch drivers so no one had to be cooped up in the back seat of that fucking clown car for the entire trip. My sister immediately deemed herself and her boyfriend Queen Asshole and King Assbag of the front seat and we were banished to the back. The boyfriend went in to go to the bathroom and my cousin got up front to fiddle with the radio. Upon my sister's boyfriends return my cousin was told to "get back in the back" and then the boyfriend scooted the passenger seat as far back as it would go because "it hurt for his knees to touch the dash" taking all my leg room away in the process. I don't know if it was lack of sleep, the heat, or the cramped seating arrangement, but I snapped. I usually think out what I'm going to say to my sister when we argue and fight. I'm a planner. I either want it to be something we can laugh about later or if she's pissed me off enough I want it to hurt, but when I screamed "THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU HORRIBLE FUCKING BITCH" I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I stormed out of the car, jumped in with my parents and spent the next two hours cramped up in that car. The vacation was beginning wonderfully.

We arrived at our condo. Our room wasn't ready. One pool was closed because someone shit in it. I got burnt so bad I had sun poisoning. Awesome.

The next day everything changed. It was awesome, fun, cool, the beginning of the best vacation ever. The 2nd and third day continued that trend minus the five hour fishing trip.. or boat ride. No fish were caught. The sun had exhausted me and the next day I slept in. It was around 12:00 the next afternoon when I had apparently missed about 15 phone calls. My best friend took it upon herself to wake me up. She came in, yanked off all my cover and tried to take my mattress off my bed. My sister saw what she was doing and ran in to help. She took off my shorts. I was rolled off into the floor.. half naked. My sisters boyfriend came in and all I could do was hold my hand over my vagina like a fig leaf. He brought in a fork. My sister used that to poke me in the ass. I was violated. Pictures were taken without consent. It was a bad afternoon.

That night I was bitten by sand fleas. 116 of them to be exact. I can't even describe how bad I was itching. I didn't sleep well for the rest of the week. But it turned out to be the best vacation I ever went on. It was one giant party. I left with 37 family members. And then the ride home occurred.

We had taken a rental car because my mom's 4-Runner was messed up. The air conditioning clicked the entire way back. It sounded like a blinker. I don't know if you've ever listened to a blinker for 8 hours, but they should use it as a torture device. Our GPS is a lying little bitch. I hate that thing more than I hate anything else in the world. She is a dumb fuckstick and she doesn't know what she's talking about so when our car broke down in the middle of fucking no where, Georgia I was ready to throw that damn curse out into the highway. This was 8 hours into the trip. By the time we reached Atlanta my back had molded to the seat and I'm pretty sure I had a severe case of Scoliosis. I was hungry, bored, and in a terrible mood. I had made it to the front seat, finally. My sister and her boyfriend had driven home and I was with my parents. My mom was at the wheel, I was in the passenger seat, and my dad was passed out on my pillow pet. We were barreling down the interstate heading towards our house when I saw something in the road. It looked sort of like a plastic bag.. only it turned out to be a lot more durable and a lot more aerodynamic. We hit that bitch and whatever it was made giant BOOM and I watched it fly out from under our car and rip the bumper off the car behind us. It fucking RIPPED. THE. BUMPER. OFF. My mom was flipping her shit. I was like "Uh.. mom.. their bumper is flapping in the wind.." and she floored it the fuck out of there. Fortunately, we made it home in one piece and I can absolutely say that the Griswold's don't have shit on us.

"I want someone to take an ape out of the zoo, throw it into the water and be like BITCH, TURN INTO A MERMAID."

I was going to write a post about the rest of my vacation, but that will have to wait because I watched TV last night. Since Direct TV fucking took away Spongebob, I found myself watching Mermaid: The Body Found on the Discovery Channel at 9:00 last night. My best friend was over watching it with me. We expected it to be really cool because, you know, it was on the Discovery Channel. They usually air cool shit. WRONG.

The beginning was promising. There was a whale beaching and a cool phone video that some kids had taken and then a recording of a "leaking" of a clip inside the Navy. The music was suspenseful and hands popped out of nowhere. We were excited. But rather than continue to be awesome, it went back 10 million years into an animated version of what they think happened. This is pretty much how that went:

In a nutshell, the scientists described how we, as humans, have evolved from land dwelling apes to sea dwelling.. apes. Okaaaay. But it gets better. I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like this: A group of land apes branched off from another group of land apes and decided to go hang out by the ocean. They chilled out there for a couple thousand years and most of them drowned because they didn't have the right equipment, but over time they were eventually good enough in bed to pop out babies that had less and less hair. And after that their children had tails and flippers and could hold their breath under water and then they had tails and that's how mermaids were created. Because that makes a whole lot of fucking sense.

Hey, John! You got your flippers yet? NOT YET ASSBAG.

We spent the entire night disproving their credibility based on the absolute ridiculousness of the situation.

At one point in the documentary, the scientists were down in South America.. South Africa? Something like that and they took x-rays of a body that they had found. They brought in a specialist to look at the legs who stated that he noticed that the pelvis looked similar to that of a human. He then realized that he had the film TURNED THE WRONG WAY and flipped it upside down to discover that these creatures used to walk on land. Uh, what? Between these people there is probably 50 years of schooling and NO ONE realized that they had the x-ray turned upside-fucking-down? Sir, you have a doctorate. You study marine life for a living and you did not know that you had the films upside down? YOU HAVE WASTED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON YOUR EDUCATION, YOU DUMB FUCK. This really upset my friend, who just got out of school to be a dental assistant. She was like "YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS UPSIDE DOWN? I TAKE X-RAYS. I AM A CERTIFIED X-RAY TECHNICIAN. I CAN TELL YOU WHICH TOOTH IS IN YOUR MOUTH AND I TOOK A FUCKING 10 WEEK CLASS."

I don't see how all of this is true or how it could be true. I just spent a week in Florida. Why don't I have scales? Or a tan? I sure as fuck didn't adapt while I was down there. I ended up looking like a lobster, but that doesn't count.

In all honesty, I truly believe there could be stuff out there. I have family members that are very familiar with the outdoors who have seen things they can't explain, but those creatures are on this planet because God was like MERMAIDS? OKAY. SASQUATCH? BOOM. And if we did evolve it was because God was like EVOLUUUUUTIONNNNNN!!! And not because our ancestors used to live in trees and then swam through them.

That is one ugly motherfucker. 

My God. People are stupid.

Enter the Griswold family vacation.

I am writing this post from my phone as my sister, her boyfriend, my cousin and I are barreling down the road at 80 miles per hour in a four car caravan. It is 5:14 in the morning. I have had 45 minutes of sleep. My sister hasn't had any. Welcome to the first installment of what can only be described as a Griswold family vacation.

We are on our way to New Smyrna Beach in the Sunshine State. "We" includes my family and 31 others. Yes, there are 37 of us in this vacation. We left at 3:45 this morning. It is a 9 hour drive. My sister is at the wheel - running on about 15 minutes of sleep. I am in the back seat praying to the good lord above that we don't go careening off the side of the road into a firey death. I don't like energy drinks, but I purchased one anyway because if I am going to die, I am going to die screaming at her ass.

We are almost two hours into our trip and I know, without a doubt, that this vacation is going to drive me to drinking. That will be difficult since both my parents have a strict policy against underage drinking. It goes along the lines of "fuck no." There was a drink mixed before we left our house and I just had to try it. I don't know what it's really called, but I have been describing it as tasting like unicorns and Jesus for two days. Fortunately for me, my parents know I generally don't like alcohol which makes sneaking cup or six of that much easier. Or at least I hope it does. Because if it doesn't I'll be doing 100 to life.

My dad is the tail end of this little conga line and he's already called me twice to have me tell my sister how to drive and I just LOVE relaying messages between people. We've driven through what smells similar to the inside of a skunks asshole, and I think someone in this car has shit their pants. I've said "fuck" more times than I usually would by 5 am and I have a feeling I'm going to be making up words by the end of the day.

Here's to my sanity and may we all return in mostly one piece. Part two will come up as soon as something interesting happens. I have a feeling that will be sooner than later.